Edwin
Writer
December 03, 2012
The Art of the Silent Fart
Wait to hear a pop, then release the rest of the piggybacking fart.
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The whole world needs to be able to fart freely, because nobody wants to hold it in for so long that you explode, and we all know that you should never force such a thing. You see, by the time farts come out, most of it is composed of nitrogen. If you’re a nervous person who swallows a lot of air and digests things quickly, your farts may contain a lot of oxygen.

 

Why do they stink?

 

Small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture (compounds that contain sulfur) makes them smell. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct, which create bubbles that are small, hot, and heavily concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. Aka the silent-but-deadly.

 

If you skipped the last paragraph because I used chemistry, I’m not offended.

 

In order for you to fart silently, there are a few techniques out there that can help you out:

 

  1. Let out a little gas (you may hear a pop) and then release the rest piggybacking on the opening the pop made. If you can stop the pop, you’re golden.
  2. Squat. A band conductor once suggested this to us, and even though I haven’t tried it.. I still don’t endorse it. It’s risky.
  3. Muffle the sound somehow.

 

Didn’t think you’d be getting a lesson on flatulence this morning, right? Haha! You’re welcome!

 

Any awkward fart stories out there?

 

  • http://Luluinthefl.wordpress.com Luluinthefl

    I am a 12 year old trapped in a 46 year old body because I think farts are funny! Even the words fart, shaft, and poot are all guaranteed to make me laugh.

  • http://talesofwildboomba.wordpress.com Leslie Jo

    My son once said to me, “Mom, the reason you have so many stomach aches is because you don’t fart.” He was seven at the time. Now he’s 19. He was right all along.

  • http://globetracer.wordpress.com shetraces

    My favorite thing is when old folks fart. They do it with such an air of inheritance. They fart boldly and freely, simply because they can.

  • http://peace4me521.wordpress.com Kathy

    LOL. Once we were at a church dinner. As perspective members of the church, this dinner was set up so we could meet current members. My husband and I were in a group talking when my 3 year old daughter walks up to us and proudly announces “I farted.”

  • http://clandestinechronicle.wordpress.com Tae McNeelege

    I was on a hospital bed, recovering from a injury. I tried to squeeze one out and it turned into a ‘shart’. Shart is exactly what you think it means.

    • http://talesofwildboomba.wordpress.com Leslie Jo

      I think it was the movie “The Bucket List” where I first heard this very true piece of advice, “Never trust a fart.”

  • http://neelkanth.wordpress.com neelkanth

    Much worth a following.

  • foroneplease

    Really precious info :P heehehe

  • http://actualfreedomdjustine.wordpress.com Justine

    Don’t hold your nose when you have to sneeze – maggiemoo414 has said it rightly!

  • http://promethios.wordpress.com Leo

    My wife blames the cat. :-) When you are past retirement you are described as ” an old fart” and it`s probably true as it becomes harder to hold them in.:-)

  • http://yourpassiontoreality.wordpress.com YourPassionToReality

    I had no idea that farts could be so entertaining. This is worth following.

  • Papizilla

    Ha! I shall plead the fifth on this one, though I do enjoy the topic….. :D

    Reblogged this on The Ranting Papizilla.

  • http://gatesitter.wordpress.com gatesitter

    Great :) When my children were young I convinced them that Moms never fart, so when I did they would accuse each other and argue and bicker back and forth while I hid my amusement…oops maybe I was a bad mom…:)

  • http://nativemichigander.com John

    I love farting! LOL!!!!

  • http://onceuponthewingsofadragonfly.wordpress.com dragonfly1121

    Thank you for the chuckle, it’s Monday so it is extra appreciated! My daughter just tooted in the craft store the other day. It was NOT silent, but it wasn’t deadly either, and yes there was a guy about three feet away. She wasn’t even embarrassed and we were still laughing about it three days later. How something stinky can be funny I will never know :)

  • http://maggiemoo414.wordpress.com maggiemoo414

    Here’s a fart story: I was sitting in class, next to this boy who was kind of weird, when I farted. Loudly. Everybody looks over, and I look over at the poor boy next to me, so everybody would think it was him. It didn’t exactly work though, because he looked at me. However, one of my amazing friends later announced to the whole class that it couldn’t of been me, “because girls can’t fart that loud. It’s impossible.”
    Also, here’s a tip: don’t hold your nose when you have to sneeze. Just sneeze. Because if you hold your nose, there’s a chance it might make you fart. Don’t know why, but it happened to my friend all the time.

    • http://talesofwildboomba.wordpress.com Leslie Jo

      So true. Lol-ing!!!!

  • semicolondave

    How about nice quiet Board or Council meetings with less than half a colon. Not easy, especially for others in the room. When I ran for office, my kids came up with my campaign slogan “I fart alot.” Apparently, three years later, my constituents didn’t like me keeping my campaign promises.

  • http://www.25tofly.com becca3416

    Haha! Gross!

  • http://mendykelley.wordpress.com Mendy K.

    I am laughing so hard.

    • http://mendykelley.wordpress.com Mendy K.

      I forgot to add, we had chili this week (and we all know what chili does ), anyway my 16 year old commented on the “smell” in class and he was responsible for it. I told him I heard that by adding a little sour cream to your bowl, it will help to cut down on the after affect aroma. My son’s reply…”heck no, I love to gross people out.” HAHAHAHA

  • http://vudragovich.wordpress.com vudragovich

    I remember a video years ago (early 2000) about the physics of your movement on the gas & the best way to escape w least obvious trail was to scuttle to one side :D love the topic! Takes me back to 5th grade! Dave

    • http://talesofwildboomba.wordpress.com Leslie Jo

      Love the word “scuttle”!

  • http://yeararoundmylife.wordpress.com fuzzlovefamily

    This… is legend dude! LAWL I am the QUEEN of silent farts! AKA my farts are a lot stinkier (not afraid to admit). I do my ninja fart and go to another direction, while farting, making a trail… Excuse me for my talkativeness, but its about time someone writes about this :D

    • http://awkwardlistdotcom.wordpress.com Edwin

      Making a trail.. genius idea! It can be useful for clearing up big crowds at Walmart hahaha! :) Thanks for your “talkativeness”!

      Edwin
      Awkwardlist.com

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